Hello, You know me, but I don’t know you.

You question everything. The end does not justify the means. You want to be special. You think you got over it, but you didn’t. You just forgot about it because you think you are special already, because that’s what everybody tells you. You feel miserable because you think you are becoming too perfect, achieving mental goals too easily. You used to be angry all the time, now you are very well regulated. You used to be a shitty family person and a shitty brother, you’ve changed, you’re arguably a good brother now. You feel like live is going too easy and you want to find some big problem about you, so you can focus your time on that. You are far from perfect and you know it but you don’t. You wanted to find a job at a company that supports your ideals. You felt miserable for the longest time because you stopped taking your meds and you think you’ll eventually loose interest in programming and become boring again. You consider talking to other people a hobby, because you don’t have any other hobbies outside of programming and computer-stuff. You feel lonely but you don’t change anything about it. You want to see the world but you don’t go out of the house. You wait for things to happen instead of making things happen yourself. You are afraid of getting older because

  1. It’ll make you less special
  2. You think you’ll loose all your motivation for life, because right now you are in a situation where nothing seems to move forward You don’t want to admit that you want to have a goal you can work towards because that’s what the average human does, but you don’t want to be average. You want to be free but you limit yourself by not doing something because certain others do it. You realize all this and most of this message will become obsolete within a week, and you hate yourself because of it.

You are afraid you will never find someone you can love because you think you are so vastly different but most truthfully you are probably feeling like most people your age. You recently noticed that you don’t know what the world feels like. It makes you sad. You are hopeful that you will find people in real life that share your interests and enthusiasm about topics like freedom and FOSS. You are hopeful that all the misery you feel is because you are not doing anything, because you don’t seem to have a mission and because you just hang around at home all day long and you feel like it will never change. You want to go out and see the world, you want to experience everything. You don’t want to be limited by borders, want to cross lines and touch stuff.

I don’t know where you are in life right now. If you are sitting in some sci-fi alley, trying to hide away from the proprietary world and living off of food you found in the junk. If you are a father of 3 children, sitting in an overcrowded apartment trying to find some inner peace while the world screams at you. If you are standing on a bridge, getting yourself ready to jump. If you are 90 years old and never had any kids. If you have abandonned society alltogether and live in the woods.

But if you ever feel lost, tell others about it. Never lose your openness. Never forget that you don’t need to be angry. Never forget that you will always learn something new. And never stop being open for a change of mind.

This was a note to myself, maybe just me trying to do some self-reflection. All I know is that this felt very good to type out and I’m going to make this public because fuck it, why not. I tried to not think about what others will think when they read this. :) And if you just read this, have a nice day :)